7 lame excuses I give to acquaintances for going to a worse uni than them

Everything is relative. And I’m standing by that until I bloody die. No matter what university you go to, there will be a better one. Inevitably, there will be people you meet who went to these ‘better universities’ and may ask about which one you happen to attend. In this sorry situation, you’re just going to have to try your damn best to make it look like it’s not your fault that you’re studying theoretical archery at Watford Polytechnic.

1. It’s the best place for my course

No it’s not. Get over yourself. Everyone know’s that Birmingham is best for theoretical archery.

2. It’s just got a really nice vibe that suits me best, you know?

Oh really? I didn’t realise you were the kind to like sitting at decrepit Amstrad computers in tiny, sweltering, libraries by day and getting groped by ‘Fat Dave’ at the building site with nothing but birth control and a joint on you by night.

3. My boyfriend goes there

Excellent, now you can watch him cheating on you first hand, not just through some Facebook picture of him at Oceana he swiftly untagged himself from.

4. It’s the only university with accommodation where they allow pets! Cool right?

No, this is your education and thus your future. Get a grip.

5. My competitive father didn’t want me to go to a better university than him, and I respect that

I’m sure it’s also through respect that you secured a stonking 2 GCSE’s and a once in a lifetime paid internship at McDonald’s.

6. The uni is really near a toilet

I don’t think you quite understand.

7. Yeah I just didn’t revise hard enough because work is boring and I’m a legend

Okay ‘Legend Mcgee’, I’ll see you down Krunchy Fried Chicken in 10 years for my cheat-day dinner with an extra serving of your finest ‘regret-style mayonnaise’.