Is your life an endless spiral of disappointment? Blame the elderly

Being useless all your teenage life can prove pretty daunting. At school you could beat up that gawky kid Jonathan or push your way to the front of the lunch queue to desperately try and fill your boundless pit of insecurities, but now you’re studying Sociology at Swansea University after going through clearing and your options are looking pretty bleak. You didn’t make any friends at freshers, none of your flatmates like you, and even the Asian guy in your flat that no-one has seen for 3 months is still more popular than you. But wait! The solution to your sticky situation might be more straightforward than you think.

Start blaming elderly people. It’s really that simple. Of course they have nothing to with how much of a second-rate human being you are, but they did those bad wars in the past, they’re probably all right-wing, and none of them have Facebook so no-one will disagree with your bigoted agenda.

Thinking about helping that old lady across the road? Think again, she might have voted to leave the EU. Considering giving up your seat on the bus for the old man with crippling arthritis? I don’t think so; he’s making the NHS unaffordable by just living too damn long!

Managed to purge yourself of self-loathing yet? If not, there’s plenty more things we at The Tap would recommend:

  1. Join the NUS, get on your high horse and sail away to the moral high-ground of self-congratulation.
  2. Blame your University tutor for your bad grades, you pay them 9 grand a year and it’s ridiculous they can’t help the fact you’re thick as a brick!
  3. Delete anyone on Facebook who disagrees with you, they’re just there to make you feel uncomfortable by using big words like ‘dogmatism’ and ‘prejudice’.

Let us know if this technique worked for you by leaving a comment below!

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