We’ve all been there. 11am on a Tuesday afternoon, falling asleep in your lecture on the most popular Castilian soups of the 20th Century when suddenly you notice your lecturer is like a better looking version of your sibling; all the allure without the crippling guilt! You stumble out of the lecture hall, the sun is shining, you’re feeling pretty turned on right now, when suddenly you arrive at the most challenging hurdle of your life: how does one seduce a 64 year-old academic?
Well never fear, here are The Tap’s 6 tips that work nearly 10% of the time:
1. Wave at the lecturer to establish your dominance
You’re the man, the bee’s knees and if you’re lucky you might even be the dog’s bollocks. You desperately need to be in charge of this situation, otherwise it’ll end up like that time your labrador was licking Uncle Derek’s face and things got out of hand. Waving is the perfect way to assert your authority, whilst subtly hinting at your lustful intentions.
2. Invite them to your dungeons and dragons society coffee morning and then stand them up
Nothing says I love you like wearing a homemade dragon costume. However, by not showing up at the last minute you’ll be playing really hard to get and make them want you even more. At least, it worked when my Dad left and never came back, so I guess it should work here too!
3. Fail the module so you can retake it and woo them for the second year running
Time is subjective, but at the very same time it is always passing. Don’t let it slide by, grab the (metaphorical) bull by the (very literal) horns and use every minute like it’s a second! You don’t want some upstart fresher to bust a move and get in there before you, and let’s be honest, you’re going to need all the time you can get.
4. Screw society’s conservative attitude and just get it on with your sibling instead
Dating your lecturer is illegal, but dating your sibling is only wrong in the mind of our patriarchal society. Send those backward thinking, incest-hating losers to hell! Be the Martin Luther King of your generation and go for it, you’ve seen the future and nobody is going to stop you this time, especially not your Dad.
We couldn’t think of any more advice, mainly because we pride ourselves on lacking imagination here at The Tap. So, apologies to all you raunchy young people, you’re on your own this time. Rumour has it postgrads are pretty desperate though.