10 things David Cameron is doing now, and 10 things he should be doing

It hasn’t been the best few weeks for teenage heartthrob Mr David Cameron, and all we can do here at The Tap is share what he is reported to be doing currently, and offer our thoughts on what we think he should be doing now, seeing as he’s got a bit more time on his hands.

What Mr Cameron is currently doing…

1.   Twiddling his capitalist thumbs

2.   Gearing his son up for PPE at Oxford and a bad haircut

3.   Ageing at an alarming rate

4.   Playing Jenga with long time rock star and business associate George Osborne

5.   A lot of crying, smoking, gambling and crying

6.   Repeatedly signing his wife’s breasts in a vain attempt to relive his glory days

7.   Stroking a cat whilst humming the national anthem

8.   Watching way too much E4

9.   Kicking a ball about in the garden with Nick Clegg’s face on it

10. Writing for The Tap

MAIN-David-Cameron-on-holiday

What Mr Cameron should be doing…

1.   Finding a hobby like train spotting, nothing too strenuous, poor bugger

2.   Buying that Tracy Island he’s always wanted

3.   Painting all the mirrors in his house black

4.   Desperately trying to legally change his name to Jerimee Corbin

5.   Applying for The Great British Bake Off

6.   Getting a tattoo of the EU flag on his mellow bellend

7.   Flying to Tibet and starting a new life slut-shaming monks

8.   Trying to get an Irish passport

9.   Hunting Boris Johnson’s flappy, blonde arse down with a fly swatter

10. Twiddling his capitalist thumbs

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