More like Pokémon No-Go! How Nintendo played the developed world for fools

Want to be a Pokémon master? Time to reevaluate. Those Japanese criminal masterminds over at Nintendo have just conned the entire developed world big time.

To cut a perfectly manageable, accessible and quite short story short: Pokémon aren’t real, and never will be. I know that for a lot of deluded consumers around the world, reality as they know it has just received an update. Sorry to crush your ridiculously closed minded dreams, but as well as Santa merely being ‘Pedo Jim’ just looking for an excuse to watch you sleep, this whole new ‘Pokémon in the real world’ phenomenon is just an app. A mobile application if you like. Get your head out of an arse and see those crooks at Nintendo for their true colours.

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I have to admit, I was quite excited by the prospect of introducing 151 potential animal slaves into my life and cramming the living shits out of them into an objectively tiny, hollow sphere. But when I found out that I could only do this with my fat, stupid thumbs on a quite bubbly screen protector? I danced. Yes, I danced the saddest dance I’ve ever danced. A dance of crippling grief and melancholy movements. An expression of unadulterated woe in the mausoleum of truth, yearning for a time when I wasn’t constantly being lied to by the Japanese.

So well done on squeezing 7.5bn big ones out of the ignorant but innocent public. Take my advice, reader: don’t waste your time and don’t waste your money on this new deceptive ‘reality’, if you can even call it that. All I can offer those already lured by this hoax are my prayers.

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Hats off Nintendo. Congratu-fucking-latinos.

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