Finally in this progressive day and age we’re getting answers to the big questions everyone’s asking. How did that bench get in my yard? Benches are like the toys in Toy Story 2, they live secret lives without anybody knowing apart from other benches. Is there anything more banal than a bench? Yes, but there are only 4 things that are more banal than a bench.¹ How do you break up with your bench without hurting its feelings? Donate it to the first neighbour that offers to bake you a loaf of sourdough bread.
Nevertheless, no-one has ever answered the question that has baffled philosophists across the millennia: Which type of bench is your University?
University of Birmingham
It’s a bit of a non-event as far as benches go, especially considering the local council decided to repaint it because everyone thought it was a bit crap in the first place. What it lacks in personality it makes up for in poor life choices, but no-one really pays much attention to it because metal benches are extremely uncomfortable, even when they’ve been ‘ergonomically designed’. Let’s be honest, you would only sit on this bench if they gave you an unconditional offer, which they did, and now you regret ever sitting down.
University of Bristol
Admit it. This bench could have been magnificent. After a coveted childhood in a private wood, this bench was destined for great things, but instead it decided to follow the crowd and go where all the other generic benches were going. Resultantly, it had an identity crisis, did a lot of cocaine and MDMA, then melted away into obscurity like that witch in The Wizard of Oz. Great things my arse!
This bench is older than my grandma, it’s also older than your grandma, and like most grandmas it thinks it’s pretty damn smart. Yes it might have some fancy, ornate design, yes it might have got full marks in all of its A Levels, but little does this bench know that in a couple of years it will rust away to nothing due to extreme weather conditions and the challenge of living up to its own, impossible reputation.
University of Durham
Stylish, suave, perhaps even posh at times, but it’s very easy to see the blatant flaws in this bench’s design. It might tick all the boxes for a decent bench, but it’s really no better than an IKEA flat pack. It can’t speak French as well as it claims, it probably drinks port ‘ironically’, and most of all it’s just not very nice to sit on, giving everyone a bad back and a wet bottom. At the end of the day it’s just desperately trying to be something it’s not, and it’s embarrassing.
University of Edinburgh
So far away that no-one has actually ever seen it, this bench remains shrouded in mystery. It might be lovely, it might be abominable, all we know is that it’s cheaper for Scottish people to sit on.
University of Manchester
In trying to be desperately individual, this bench ends up becoming painfully generic. It claims that it’s pretty arty and into films by Almodovar, but at the end of the day it’s just a farce to cover for the fact its dad is a millionaire. However, nearly everyone that sits on this bench has a wonderful time, whether using it as outlandish spot for a nap, or a quirky playground slide. Oh yeah and Benedict Cumberbatch sat on this bench once.
University of Nottingham
This bench was clearly a bit of a legend back in secondary school, pulling all the local park benches and drinking way more than it should’ve done. The result of this party-fest past is that this bench has no sturdy foundations, basic skills or common sense and has the prospects of a toddler with rickets. It’s quite fun I guess, but as always, fun won’t get you a job. It’ll most likely end up as a homeless person’s habitat or act as a makeshift goal-post along with the bench from Newcastle University when kids forget their jumpers.
University of Oxford
Your parents probably sat on this bench and they’re incredibly proud that you do too. At the end of the day though, why is it any better than any other bench out there? Reputation? Reputation is merely a word we use to cover up for the fact something is no longer as good as it used to be darling. Maybe people have heard of this bench all over the world, but if you have to share it with people that are best described by the words ‘beige’ and ‘paisley’, is it really worth it?
University of Warwick
Like a donkey that’s successfully come out of rehab, this bench is small, sturdy and reliable. It may be dull at times with no proper room to move about, but it does the job. It won’t give you a blister or stab you in the back by cheating on Stephanie, mainly because it doesn’t have the courage to do so and actually believes itself when it says ‘I love you’. This is the kind of bench that works hard to stay up with the big boy benches, but ultimately doesn’t have the talent or the legs to do so. Keep ploughing on Warwick, remain content in spite of your soulless existence.
We’re sorry if your uni doesn’t appear in the list above, it’s probably not cool enough. However, to make up for our laziness, here are some of The Tap’s favourite benches that you can appropriate your University on to.
Incredibly Wasteful Bench
Unuseful And Pixelated Bench With Annoying Border
¹ We heard this from our mates called Peregrine and Greenspade who really like benches, like really.