After cooing around like a pigeon on laxatives these last few weeks, Angela Eagle seems to have left bird shit absolutely everywhere. As Jeremy Corbyn brushed the poo off his furry beard face, he explained with a wry smile: “At the end of the day I pity Mrs Eagle. She’s just a bit insecure about the fact that birds never get their voices heard in the House of Commons, especially eagles, which is an issue I really care about but will ultimately never do anything about.” We at The Tap thought that Mr Corbyn was really on to something, so here is our list of 5 birds that are definitely better than Angela Eagle.
1. The Toucan
Toucans range in size from the lettered aracari (Pteroglossus inscriptus), weighing in at 130 g, to the toco toucan (Ramphastos toco), measuring up to a massive 680g. Most importantly of course, toucans have a really cool beak. Angela is probably really jealous of the toucan’s massive beak because she was born with teeth, which are quite boring in comparison, acting as the perfect metaphor for her personality.
2. The Owl
With eyes that stare directly through your soul, owls would probably make good politicians because they could use scare tactics to scatter all the other politicians away, making them the first in decades to make real and effective legislative change. Don’t be deceived by their furry little faces though, rumour has it the majority of owls are Nazi-loving fascists.
3. Eddie the Eagle
Famous for being in Matthew Vaughn’s 2016 film ‘Eddie the Eagle’, in which he was poignantly depicted by Taron Egerton, Eddie the Eagle is the king of all the eagles and way better at being an eagle than Angela. When interviewed on the subject Eddie responded:
“Yes, Angela might have graduated from Oxford with a degree in PPE, she might have won the British Girls’ Under-18 chess championship in 1976, and she might be a wonderful representative for the LGBT community in being the 2nd female MP ever to be openly gay, but who the fuck cares? I came 58th in the the men’s normal hill individual ski-jumping competition at the 1988 Winter Olympics and that’s just wildly more impressive. Who’s the eagle? I’m the eagle. The original eagle. Oggy oggy oggy, oy oy oy!”
4. The Chaffinch
No-one really knows much about this bird at all, but we decided to include it because it’s apparently great in the sack. If you’ve had any sexual experiences with a chaffinch, be sure to comment below and share your story with the world, you sick bastard.
5. Angela Eagle (Blue Edition)
This form of Angela in front of a blue background has only been seen once before, and for some reason the colour blue really seems to suit her. Maybe it’s that it brings out the colour in her eyes? Maybe it’s because she’s really a Conservative? Maybe it’s just that she eats too many blueberries?
Whatever the reason, Angela Eagle is a better version of Angela Eagle than Angela Eagle is. You really do learn something new every day.