How does one even consume a bowl of Cheerios in the morning knowing they’ve slept with Michael Gove? We’re not sure at The Tap, but we’re more than happy to take 7 stabs in the dark and get sued in the inevitable aftermath.
1. Those terrible screeching noises are actually the bed squeaking
Don’t lie to yourself! We all know Michael cries before, during and after sex. Just pretend it’s all sexy when he screams ‘Mummy’ instead of your name and that the pool of tears is actually sweat, it tastes the same anyway.
2. He’s probably got no stamina
Wrong again! Michael runs a meagre 63.2km a day to get to work and back, and amazingly still manages to maintain that podgy dad aesthetic. If you’re hoping for a quickie you’ve come to the wrong man, Govey can hold out for days.
3. The pregnancy test isn’t positive
You’re going to be a mummy, unless you’re really lucky and get a miscarriage! A big congratulations to you though, you’ve created new life, even if half the baby’s DNA is from a man who once asked me if I’d noticed that “Theresa May rhymes with bales of hay”.
4. I can make a hasty exit in the morning and be gone before he wakes and demands another foot massage
Nopety nopety nope. Yet again, you’ve forgotten that Michael Gove is a vampire and NEVER sleeps. He’ll be there, he’ll be waiting, and you’ll never be allowed to leave, unless it’s the EU of course. Huh? That joke too real for you son? Deal with it you pathetic beanbag.
5. It will better my career
No it won’t. Why would you possibly even think this? Clearly Gove is using you for your absolutely incredible body and will now proceed to claim that you’re the ‘new cleaner’ when his wife gets home early.
6. I love him
Ever heard of Dignitas?
7. He’s really good with his tongue
We’ve got to give it to him, Michael is actually surprisingly good with his tongue. Some say he played the clarinet when he was a scaly reptile child, but we’re not sure why that would help him in the slightest. Whatever the case, sleep with this man and you’ll probably need a counsellor until your dying day.