“My son’s uni room was an absolute travesty when I picked him up. That means he’s creative right?”

Part-time mum and full-time moron Heather Backsford wonders optimistically if the fact that her son is a lazy, good-for-nothing layabout with no care for his surroundings means that he has a creative mind.

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To be perfectly honest, Heather, I think you need to get Harrison a one-way flight to Switzerland for his birthday, and maybe even consider going yourself. Fair enough, word on the street is that if you have a somewhat untidy room, you’re more likely to be creative yadda yadda yadda. But Heather, for Christ’s sake, don’t tell me you also believe that just because you were born in April you’re a strong, fiery personality whose loyalty is unparalleled. Maybe your loyalty to Burger King and your decorator’s genitals can’t be questioned, but I digress.

Your son did not deliberately and delicately drape that dead trout over his lamp, nor did he ingeniously stack those slightly used Papa John’s condoms on the windowsill in a tastefully asymmetric fashion. He’s a slob just like you Heather. Just like you.

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I decided to venture outside where the cars and trees and other things I can’t remember right now are to meet Heather. We went to the local coffee and bread excrement shop: ‘Coffee Bean There Bun Shat’ for a little talk. We had an awful chat; however, it was short lived as a mere 5 or 10 minutes into the conversation, Heather had a brain aneurysm due to her quite literal closed-mindedness.

Don’t be like Heather.

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