After recognising that her husband Tony will probably be incarcerated for the rest of his life for being a little bit silly in Iraq, Cherie has started looking for alternative partners. She reportedly joined the Tinder community and released a statement saying she “wants a hardcore war criminal, my wimpy little Tony doth butter no parsnips”. No-one wants to be alone, and we at The Tap really empathise with Cherie’s attempt to feel the firm touch of a real manly man. Let’s have a look at why Robert Mugabe is the perfect match for her secret weekend getaway with lots of snuggles and cuddles.
His tinder game is so strong
A well tailored suit, a spotted red tie and some beautiful, designer glasses. You literally have to swipe right, or he’ll kill you.
He’s not afraid to express himself in front of other men through the medium of dance
Last year, Robert entered Zimbabwe’s hugely successful dance show “Strictly A Bunch Of Forgotten Celebrities Desperately Trying To Stay Relevant Come Dancing”, and demonstrated that age really means nothing these days. In fact, he danced so well that he got 105% of the votes in the final round!
His DJ nights are absolutely fantastic
Although incredibly exclusive, we managed to get into one of Robert’s secret DJ nights where he played absolute classics such as “Keep Dancing Or I’ll Kidnap Your Entire Family” and “Sell Me Your Newborns For My Hareem”. If you’re looking for a good night out in Zimbabs, Mugabe’s your man!
He’s not body conscious at all, so you don’t have to turn the lights off when getting it on
Robert is a very sensitive and considerate lover. “I’m not objectifying you am I? Does that feel okay? Do you mind if lick you up like a little piece of gorgonzola on the carpet?” Who even knows what he’s on about? Mugabe clearly gets his freak on.
So, what are you waiting for Cherie? He might have said “our party must continue to strike fear in the heart of the white man”, but he might still have a soft spot for white women…