University of Sheffield student, Abraham Abel-Adam Abrahaem, has shaken the foundations of religious belief by claiming that “we should all sin, otherwise Jesus died for nothing”. No-one quite knows how to respond to this guy, because whilst he’s clearly an absolute nut job, he seems to have stumbled across the largest paradox people of faith have ever had to encounter.
We spoke to several people in several locations to find out their opinions on Mr Abrahaem:
Mr Abrahaem – Caffé Nero
“I mean first of all, when you think about it, and you really reflect, why is it even called Caffé Nero? The word Café only has one bloody ‘f’ in it, and who the flying fuck is this guy Nero? I’ve always wanted to know if Nero is simply his first name or rather less straightforwardly his surname, it’s really not clear and none of his employees seem to know. Whatever the case, Mr Nero knows how to make a damn fine coffee. Secondly, I’m not Mr Abrahaem, I’m Barney Harwood and you’ve been pranked by the prank patrol.”
Tiny Baby – Manger
“You’re not with those other three guys from the press who dressed up as Kings are you? Oh good. Wait, what? You are from the press though? Jesus Christ, what to do? Look here sonny, you seem like a decent bloke so I’ll be honest with you and let you in on a little secret. I do end up dying for all your sins because me and dad think we messed up. We give everyone a groiny pleasure patch within an arms reach and then say you’ll go to hell if you use it without someone else helping? It’s so bloody unreasonable! Basically, I’m just here for all those repressed teenage boys so they have a decent excuse.”
Angry Atheist Anthony – Internet Chat Room
“ha! did u say religionists? wot a bunch of loonies they r! i once read a few pages of richord doorkins’s book the god dillusion and now i place my faith in science, fact and logic. i also never get laid, probly bcos i tell evry girl i meet tht love is merely a series of chemical reactions in her brain that cover up 4 the fact spending ur hole life wiv sum1 like me is totlly irrational because im an obnoxious teenage boy”
Know It All Nancy – The Library
“Personally, and I’m so up for a one-sided debate on this because it’s such an interesting topic, I think it best our behaviour is not dictated by like the supposed sacrifice of one man nearly 2000 years ago who may or may not have been the son of God you know? Like I think it was Plato or maybe Jeremy Corbyn, who said that our moral compass should be constructed through considering and balancing the inherent conflict between how our actions and words affect others in both a positive and negative manner, rather than through an ancient bargaining system, similar to that of prison, where if you behave ‘well’ according to an unelected body of strangers you are rewarded? I know right! So so interesting isn’t it?!”
Right, glad we cleared that one up.