I don’t know about you, but I plan on having an absolute field day during freshers, and not to the Peak District, because I’m a testosterone-filled legend! Here are 7 ways I plan on preying on the young, weak and oblivious this September.
1. Replace their milk with chloroform
It’s time for The Tap’s own-brand ‘sleepy shreddies’. This worked on me when I was but a young manboy, and my God will it work on them too.
Time to take ’em down like Darren brown, then take their watch amongst other things.
3. Corner them and tell some killer goat facts
I don’t know why it works, it just does. Ask Sadam Hussein.
4. Throw my leg at them
I bet you thought my joke about disabled children’s prosthetic legs was just insensitive and crass. It still is.
5. Buy them a pet goldfish then BAM!
This is still a work in progress.
6. Ask them out for a coffee on Tuesday which will go excellently, then proceed to invite them to dinner on Friday night where you’ll have a stimulating chat about how well prostitution, golf and dreams go together. Following this, I will invite them back to my place, rustle up a quiche then BAM!
Though technically not spiking them, you get the same result but with a more deep and emotional connection. Sign me down! Ew!
7. Get caught and go to where all the prisoners are
Mmm, hmm, yes.