7 ways I’m going to spike unknowing freshers this September

I don’t know about you, but I plan on having an absolute field day during freshers, and not to the Peak District, because I’m a testosterone-filled legend! Here are 7 ways I plan on preying on the young, weak and oblivious this September.

1. Replace their milk with chloroform

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It’s time for The Tap’s own-brand ‘sleepy shreddies’. This worked on me when I was but a young manboy, and my God will it work on them too.

2. Hypnosis

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 Time to take ’em down like Darren brown, then take their watch amongst other things.

3. Corner them and tell some killer goat facts

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I don’t know why it works, it just does. Ask Sadam Hussein.

4. Throw my leg at them

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I bet you thought my joke about disabled children’s prosthetic legs was just insensitive and crass. It still is.

5. Buy them a pet goldfish then BAM!

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This is still a work in progress.

6. Ask them out for a coffee on Tuesday which will go excellently, then proceed to invite them to dinner on Friday night where you’ll have a stimulating chat about how well prostitution, golf and dreams go together. Following this, I will invite them back to my place, rustle up a quiche then BAM!

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Though technically not spiking them, you get the same result but with a more deep and emotional connection. Sign me down! Ew!

7. Get caught and go to where all the prisoners are

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Mmm, hmm, yes.

Join us next week for “How to knock the soap out of someone’s hand.”

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