Nowadays it’s harder than ever to prove that you’re better than everyone else. Am I healthy? Am I charitable? Am I selfless? The answer to all these questions is no because you’re an overweight bastard, but you can fake all these qualities with relative ease by running a Marathon and make everyone think you’re absolutely great! Let’s have a think about the ulterior motives behind most Marathon runners:
1. I want to make the fatties feel bad
No-one really likes fat people, they steal all the limelight, as well as your leftovers. They might tell you it runs in their family, but I can assure you no-one runs in their family. Local man Graham, an inspiration to us all, has run more than 2 marathons simply to make fat people feel terrible about their miserable existences.
2. I wish to embezzle fundraised money from charities
The most famous case of this was when Pudsey the bear stole a fundraising bucket from a small child named Terry Wogan in Scunthorpe, clobbered Terry with said bucket until he was severely disfigured, and then used little Terry’s horribly unpleasant face to make people donate a grand total of £12.57.
3. I’d love to force my poor, extended family to shell out money for some obscure charity yet again
First it was shaving off all your hair to give to Claire Balding, then it was giving up cake for a month… Now this? Your family are fed up of supporting your charitable agenda, why don’t you just give the homeless man a sympathetic smile like the rest of us?
4. I want to get really bad chafing all over your body
Everyone loves a bit of chafe here and there, but what if you were to chafe everywhere? Sounds absolutely incredible right? Get red raw by running a Marathon with brillo pads strapped to your nipples.
5. I can’t wait to force myself to forget what a terrible person I actually am
You’re absolutely awful. People say first impressions are often wrong, but with you it’s nearly always right, the tattoo on your forehead that reads “I’m an arse” gives it away every time. Despite this travesty, running a Marathon might just take your mind off things.
6. I’m actually a healthy, charitable and selfless human being
Unlikely, but hats off to you if so, Sir. You give people back their faith in humanity. Keep it up or the terrorists will win!