How to get absolutely ripped for summer in just 10 minutes

It’s never to late to bulk up, and guess what? It’s easier than ever before for you to cover up your bland personality with attractive bulgy bits this summer, by just following this simple, 10 minute regime.

1.  Look at yourself in a mirror and scream “SEXY MUSCLES!” over and over for 2 minutes

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This first 2 minutes will probably be the most intimate ‘you time’ you’ve had since your Bar Mitzvah.

2.  Drink 5 pints of Calpol in 1 minute to let your body know what it’s in for

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It isn’t particularly healthy drinking such a vast amount of Calpol so quickly, but it sure does shock your body into readiness for what’s to come next.

3.  Do one positively immaculate push up (takes 3 minutes 23 seconds)

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Once completed, if done correctly, you should rise into the sky, spinning uncontrollably, scattering your excess fat over passersby like some kind of repulsive flesh wedding.

4. Run as far away from your shadow as possible in 2 minutes 37 seconds

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Now that you’ve lost all that puppy flab, it should be easy right? I mean if universally loved but ultimately very sexually confused and fictional ‘Peter Pansexual‘ can do it, why can’t you. This should leave you in precisely the right exhausted state to do the final step.

5.  Sarcastically say “you’ve been working out haven’t you…” to kids as they leave the local primary school (1 minute)

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This will not only massively inflate your ego, but it will in turn inflate every muscle in your body to a gargantuan size.

Congratulations. You’re now ready for your summer holiday with your family to see your gran.

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