“I can even crash safely whilst drink driving!” – Graham

Australians have created a monster. A monster called Graham who can reportedly survive any car crash, a bit late for Princess Diana eh?! He’s about as good-looking as Andrew Lloyd Webber’s melted face, but women have been flocking to him after considering the benefits of Graham’s ghastly appearance. We asked Graham why he thinks he is so popular with the ladies:

1. ‘I can even crash safely whilst drink driving!’

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“I’m not sure my creators really thought it through when they made me. A man who can survive any car crash? I’m invincible. I’m indestructible. I’m sexy. I can drink up to 19 K ciders, jack someone’s Vespa and drive it into an oncoming truck and I’ll survive. Who wouldn’t want that sense of security in a father figure?”

2. ‘I’ve got more than enough nipples to go around’

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“Women are always complaining to me that their husbands just don’t have enough nipple to suckle on. That’s different with me. I have enough nipples to replicate the effects of an air bag in a car crash, so knock yourself out and get a sucklin’, husbands and wives alike.”

3. ‘I’m not Graham Norton’

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“I know it’s a relatively small point but I thought I should mention it anyway.”

4. You can bitch about me behind my back and I’ll never know

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“My ears literally only point forward. I can’t hear anything behind me at all, which ironically means that crashing my car is far more likely, but at least I can test my big bloated body out fairly often. Anyway, for all you lovely ladies it means you can call me names behind my back and I won’t ever know. Oh yeah!”

So there we have it, I don’t know about you but I’m very erect right now.

 

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