It’s rare to go on a holiday, not meet a strange couple with an emo kid, then not make an empty promise to meet up when you’re both back home. So we can only assume here at The Tap that this will inevitably happen, and occasionally, you’ll meet some of these guys…
1. Soppy Johnson
He’s young, wet and downright insufferable. Fortunately for you he’ll wear that stupid orange thermal along with that malevolent grin all day, so he’ll roast from the inside out before you get a chance to organise dinner at yours 4 months later.
2. Dodge and Timo
They’re here and they’re queer, and there’s nothing you can do to stop them groping each other in the swimming pool and ordering enough cranberry based cocktails to sedate a horse.
3. Stella Spankoid
A most aesthetic lass that you will definitely attempt to meet up with once the holiday is over, until you realise that the reason she isn’t replying to your texts is because she’s completely illiterate.
4. Father Staniel-Spaniel
Not only is this bald, liturgically retarded lump swanning around the resort in a cassock, he also hogs the table tennis table every morning after a cripplingly lonely matins.
5. Nose Margaret
You can’t go anywhere without this asthmatically amplified nasal annoyance turning up in her hire-car and forcing you to take out your headphones at the beach just to say, “Snort, snorty ma nose a sooo big, snooot snort.”
6. Bon John Hovis
Bread enthusiast and worldwide rock figurehead Bon John Hovis is at every holiday destination, and has been since the Cold War. You’ll get on with him, but ultimately, his overbearing obsession with bread will get in the way of true friendship.
Which one are you?