What a day to be alive! What a day to be dead! Hillary Clinton has become the first female reptile to be nominated as a presidential candidate. An inspiration to snakes everywhere, Hillary has achieved so much through lies, deception, corruption, fraud; but remember it’s all good because she has reptilian lady bits! We spoke to several reptiles to get their take after hearing Clinton had been elected:
1. Incestuous Lizard Family
“We’re so proud that one of our own kind is now going to represent us in parliament as lizards have been second class citizens for far too long. It fills me with hope that there is someone who will look out for families like mine politically and help keep us above the breadline. Get that out of my butt Brian.”
2. Green Lizard
“Baah, baah, baah. Feel the motherfunkin’ Bern. Baah, baah, baah. When the DNC gonna learn? Hillary couldn’t care less about the environment, she’s probably never even heard of the Amazon rainforest. I’m sad and I say I won’t vote for her, but at the end of the day I most certainly will.”
“Grr, hokey pokey dokey goey snowy hoedown! Bul-bee-saw! Vote Ash Ketchup.”
4. Bill Clinton’s Cheating Ass!
“Real lols dude, I mean she might be the candidate, but I got a blowie in the White House presidential office off a much hotter lady. They say with great power comes great responsibility, but when you think about it it’s really the other way around.”
5. Hillary’s Daughter
“I’m Mommy’s girl! We like eating people sometimes so you better run before we get hungry.”
N.B. Sometimes the news isn’t worth satirising because it’s already so absurd.