6 ways to tell your parents you only got a 3rd

Your flatmates all came out with a Desmond Tutu or a Damien Hirst, and now you’re forced to confront the crushing realisation that saying ‘first year doesn’t count’ was a really stupid thing to live by during 2nd and 3rd year. You’ve got a 3rd, you’re £50,000 in debt, and frankly things couldn’t look much worse. To help you through this troublesome time the Tap have come up with 6 ways to guide you through telling your parents you got a 3rd.

1. Bring home your boyfriend Brian and shout ‘I’m gay’


Always a classic, your parents will never expect it. Maybe you’ll get lucky and they’ll reject you as their child before you have to admit to the true abomination in God’s eyes!

2. Tell them you got a 1st


They can’t see the pain in your smile, but we can. You’ve done well if you pull off this one, just practice explaining why you’re still unemployed.

3. Fake your own death


Although distinctly illegal, it’s pretty damn effective. Your parents probably won’t mourn your death at all because you definitely weren’t the favourite child anyway.

4. Say the words ‘I got a 3rd’ to your parents


They’ll act all supportive and probably tell you it will all be okay and that they’re proud, but deep down you know they’re lying through their big fat parental teeth.

5. Become a Deliveroo driver


We’re not sure why this is relevant but Deliveroo promised us a sponsorship deal if we put this stupid photo in an article.

6. Tell them you want to have ‘the sex talk’ again


It’ll honestly be much for everyone if you get your dad to explain what a blowjob is for the 4th time, why not go for the whole hog and ask your mum if she’s ever done cocaine just to waste a bit more time?


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