Capri-Sun. A drink completely untasted until now due to the hassle created by that or
ange suction tube, known down t’pub as a ‘straw’. Not only is the drink container itself a logistical nightmare, being too malleable and squishy to hold the hole for the straw in place, said hole is too damn small (story of my life, am I right?!) and you just end up embarrassing yourself in this classic way (see pic below for relatable content).
This being said, a local hero has emerged through the pines situated a tad north of Norwich claiming to have pierced the previously impenetrable carapace of a Capri-Sun with the pub dubbed: ‘provided straw’. Here’s Todd Scrote’s story as published by Pixar rip-off search magazine, ‘Where’s Wall-E’:
‘Ah were mindin me own business feedin the neighbours’ dog birdseed in the garden, when suddenly there were with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praisin God and throwin Capri-Sun drinks my way. Ah shouted to me wife, Discreet Scrote: “Oi babes! Looky out here at all this inaccessible juice fallin from that there sky!” She weren’t in because I’d forgot that she left me 2 years ago, but it were good to have a good ole shout, ya know what ah mean? Get all that pent up rage out ehehe… Anyway, just like King Arthur from ‘Piglet’s Big Movie’, ah grabbed one of em orange suction tubes and plunged it into the Capri-Sun. Ah didn’t realise at the time how big a deal it were that ah did this, so ah just had me a big ole swig till ah went giddy. T’were pretty sugary and anticlimactic, just like my alone time.’
There you have it kids. If Todd Scrote can taste the alluring yet sufficiently average tasting nectar , you can too. And if you still can’t, you’re not Capri-Son of mine (bows).