Apparently pouring icy water on your head gives you ALS

Wow. It would’ve been nice to find out sooner that 2014 social media phenomenon: ‘The Ice Bucket Challenge’ was just some sick joke to give everyone ALS. I thought it a bit odd that, even though I haven’t touched ethanol for the past 2 years, I’ve been slurring my speech, twitching and walking funny every single day. Who’s to blame I hear you demand passionately? We don’t know, and my god are we not going to put any effort into finding out for you. My guess? Quakers.

Luckily for us, a cure has recently been developed, funded by all the kind, verbal donations of “it’s for a really good cause”, so make sure you thank the next medic you meet for all his OR HER great work. We then ventured into the big wide world to talk to some of these ALS ridden slaves to social media, to get their opinion for upstart, frothy surfaces of water magazine: ‘Rebel Scum‘.

William Cicillian Silliam (University of York)

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“Why are you asking me about this 2 years after it happened? Oh I have ALS now do I? Bugger. Erm, that really sucks doesn’t it. There’s a cure? Oh thank the gods, I must tell my reflection immediately, he’s been acting really funny lately…”

Mr. Shift (University of Leeds)

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“Do you know who I am? I’m Mr. Shift. Destroyer of worlds, eater of the dark bit at the end of bananas. I know everything there is to know about French cuisine, but nothing about anything else. ALS? Good. I love a challenge. Please don’t cure me.”

Mike Arr (University of Many-A-Winding-Turn Roads)

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“Well I’d rather be clean and have ALS than not have ALS and be dirty! I can’t talk because I’m a car, but if a weird writer of stupid articles came up to me and asked some questions, I’d definitely reply like this. Brum brum.”

Unfortunately we could only find a baby, a smiley, crooked man and a car onour travels, so that’s all your getting. We tried our best. Was it good enough? Probably not. If you want to complain, please fax us at thetapuk.co.com/forwardslash/uk.youkay?

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