For those of you who signed the contract of love before the Summer holidays, things can get a little sticky, and I’m not just talking about your right hand. Here are The Tap’s 6 best ways to help you little devotion-muffins through this horribly lonely and isolated time away from your other half, or third, we don’t judge.
1. Use your phone to call their phone
It may seem obvious, but believe me, this little word-speech machine has saved lives, and my god will it pull through when you infatuated PDA nightmares need it most. It can do everything from small talk to aggressive phonesex to Tetris, which goes well with the phonesex.
2. Move in with your boy/girlfriend against their parents’ will
This never ever works, but you’ll try it anyway. “Mr. and Mrs. Smithsmoth won’t mind…” you’ll tell yourself. Little do you know that Mr. Smithsmoth got a degree in ‘Kicking yo thirsty ass‘ 15 years ago, and he hasn’t forgotten a thing. Despite that, you remember that you never particularly liked your own loving, ever-providing parents anyway, so it’s really just a healthy dose of collateral damage.
3. Skype them in the morning and pretend you still find them hot with poor lighting and bed hair
This is modern relationship 101 ok? Even if they look like Nigel Farage’s hairy jungle anus, you have to keep those compliments coming. If you can’t love them when they look like that at 20 years old, how can you find the 80 year old Nigel Farage ‘wrinkly orifice’ special edition of them hot.
4. Don’t get with Hannah!
She may be flirty, attractive and make an excellent soufflé, but you just have to think of the bigger picture. I mean, would you rather be with neighbour Hannah Bananah who would not only be an amazing lover but ultimately, an even better mother, or your, “She’s nice” as you put it, current human? It’s really very obvious…
5. Go on holiday to somewhere your student loan won’t allow
Money? What is this so called ‘money’? Who cares. You once knew what it was, but it now remains a thing of the past and it’s time to move on. Luckily, chance dictates that between you, at least one parent of yours will be balling and perfectly happy to make it rain money and other pop-culture references to fund your voyage d’amour to Paris or Butlin’s Bognor Regis Resort. Without this foreign bonding, your relationship is nothing.
6. Sculpture a wooden replica of your other half to forget about the real one
As you can see, it doesn’t have to be good, it just has to do the job. If you get this right, you’ll never need that old, squishy, mortal version of your lover again and you’ll be forever content with a bit of wood, just like the rest of us.