“Don’t go vegetarian! Green Lives Matter!”

So it’s okay to eat lettuce, carrots and other rabbit food variants, but as soon as it comes to eating meat, we’re monsters with the compassion of a bloodthirsty slipper. Coincidentally whilst we were discussing this age old topic at The Tap Headquarters, a quite athletic homeless man ran past the window bellowing, “Don’t go vegetarian! Green Lives Matter!”. And he was right.

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How could we have been so blind to the fact that a living, breathing piece of crunchy foliage is really just like us, and any other animal for that matter. So what they’re most likely going to be green, physically handicapped and deaf; so are most of my friends. We couldn’t pass on this golden opportunity to question the humble, ethical visionary further:

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Tell us more about what you just screamed about 30 seconds ago.

Where’s the toilet, I’m thirsty? Erm well I guess I really wanted some water, and toilets are full of it so…

No, the thing before that.

The Green Lives Matter thing? Yeah well, basically, a few weeks ago, I saw these cops go up to a nice looking house and knock on the door thrice. As expected, a floret of broccoli answered the door. It reached into its pocket to show some ID, but the cop was having none of it. Shot it dead there and then. I thought to myself, wow, that wouldn’t have happened had it been a human or an animal.

Okay thanks, we’ll let you get back to your toilet hunt.

There’s a lot of sense to this. Fruit and veg are not just disposable lives to have no respect for. They’re just as reliable as humans and animals, and a lot are more so due to their oppressed heritage (thanks to the veggies…). Don’t go vegetarian and plough through them like a hamster on speed, preserve them and treat them as equals. Green Lives Matter.

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