Do you still call your parents ‘Big Strong Beard Boy’ and ‘The Beardless One’? Thought not. But what about ‘mummy’ and ‘daddy’? If you do, then you’re in luck. Statistically speaking, those who call their parents ‘mummy’ and ‘daddy’ are not only going to be worse at tennis, but they’re going to get more action dans le sack, as the Welsh put it. Perhaps it’s to do with appearing cute and caring to potential lovers? Who knows. I certainly don’t.
I’m afraid that if you already call your parents ‘mum’ and ‘dad’, then there’s no hope for you. You’re destined to live a horribly isolated life of celibacy and ultimately end up dying alone, because you can’t just change and start calling your parents ‘mummy’ and ‘daddy’, or they’ll think you’re a fucking freak, to put it heavily.
This being said, here are some other names you shouldn’t call you parents unless you want a cripplingly sexless life:
‘Her first name’ and ‘His first name’
By this I don’t mean actually calling them ‘Her first name’ and ‘His first name’, because that would be preposterous , and The Tap is a very serious establishment. But if you call them by their actual first names, everyone will just think the exact same thing: “Oh, they’re one of those families…” No one knows what one of those families actually is, but it’s enough to act as an intercourse repellent for life.
‘Mothuuuuur’ and ‘Fathuuuuur’
If it’s wacky and ironic, fine. I mean you’re still not getting as much a cutee-patootee ‘Mummy and Daddy’ Mike, but on the plus side, you’re probably hilarious. However if you’re actually a posh wazzack and call your parents this, then you belong either in a Harry Potter Youtube animation, or on a plane to Switzerland. No sex for you!
‘Jesus Christ’ and ‘The Not Quite Wholly Ghost’
Bit weird. Was struggling with ideas to be honest, but hey, if you do call your parents this then I’d very much like to get to know you, you quirky son of a gun. Still not getting laid though, sorry.
‘Wrinkledum’ and ‘Wrinkledee’
If you call them this they’d probably be relieved if you started calling them ‘mummy’ and ‘daddy’. The issue is, calling them these unequivocally degrading names will always result in Wrinkledum paying off the rabbi to ‘slip’ during your circumcision, rendering you a genital-lacking disgrace.
Mike is completely irrelevant in this article. I apoligise if you were mislead.