The meal deal. A scared creation brought straight from the heavens to our humble, lowly mouths, but for a price. And that price is generally around a modest £3. “What a bargain! Get me some that!” I see you meal deal virgins mouth at your screen enthusiastically. And you would be correct, it is a bargain.
Now, for us more lightly seasoned veterans of the meal deal phenomenon, there is some excellent news. Studies show that those who enjoy a meal deal on a regular/semi-regular basis, on average have a higher IQ than the plebeians that refuse to acknowledge the meal deal’s hallowed existence. Now whether you’re at uni, working, learning how to count, or any of combination of these 5 things, and you pick up a meal deal for lunch every now and again, you’re in safe, scholarly hands.
“But what about the different meal deals? Am I cleverer than everyone else if I have more money than sense and splash out on an M&S one?” I’m glad you asked young Tim. Let me show you through the medium of carrying on with this highly factual article.
Sainsbury’s – £3
The most common of the meal deals. It’s timeless, it’s cheap, it’s just like that soft spoken hooker you fell in love with 2 summers ago in Malta. It is however a shame that, unlike ‘Cigaretta Greta‘, Sainsbury’s is always pretty low on stock by 5pm due to monstrous lunchtime demand. If you do get there in time for early afternoon victuals, however; the choice can be vast, similar to the orally induced elation with every bite of a-whatever-you-fancy. You’ve got to be pretty smart to go here, I mean, why go anywhere else?
Tesco – £3
A mystical little fucker this one. Often very unreliable with poorly assembled sarnies and poorly sarnied assemblies, but sometimes pulling through with a cheese and tomato pasta delicious enough to sterilize a rhino. It’s a gamble, and that’s your choice. Generally a poor mans (though identically priced) Sainsbury’s deal.
Boots – £3.29+
Despite this awful shoe shop’s fixation on cosmetic and hygiene products, Boots sure can whip up a magical meal deal. It’s sickeningly middle class produce such as a variety of vile vitamin waters that taste like shame can be off putting, but if chosen with some diligence, you can get a lot out of this ever so slightly dearer, ‘business man’s paradise’ meal deal. Intellect granted.
Morrisons – £3
An unworthy underdog in the league of meal deals. What makes this meal deal really rather special is the salad bar. Now I know that salad hasn’t been cool since 2001, but this is just something else. If you’re good at cramming an assortment of leaves and cold pasta into a medium sized container, you can really get some bang for your buck. One to be considered/one to keep frequenting if you’re already in the know about this gem. Well done you (i)mensa cheapskates.
M&S – £4.99
From colour coded sandwiches to single-handedly bankrupting my dad, this over-priced, self righteous, shit-travesty of a lunchtime bereavement is hell on earth. Your snack can be a tub of coconut pieces. COCONUT PIECES. Yes you feel like royalty when you treat yourself to one of these ridiculous combinations worthy only of the highest class of bourgeois bellend, but is it worth looking like a nonce and leaving with an empty wallet? You’re the least intelligent of the bunch. You’re worse than a meal deal virgin who’s tried to penetrate a hoisin duck wrap in a vain attempt to lose their title…
Join us next week at The Tap for when we get sued by M&S fans worldwide.