Usain Bolt so fast he has already won Olympic 100m dash

Wow! Did you see it? Probably not. He was just too fast for anyone. Usain Bolt has just won the 100m dash in Rio in under 5 seconds, that’s a new World Record! I can’t believe it, you can’t believe it. He’s just so damn fast. But how does he do it? What are his secrets? We at The Tap have done some proper investigative journalism exploring the ways in which Bolt reaches such high speeds:

1. His legs


We couldn’t find an actual picture of his legs to substantiate our claim, but rumours have been flying that Usain uses his legs to reach such high speeds.

2. By wearing jewellery


How can a man lose when he wears such lovely necklaces? Rumour has it this lovely medallionĀ is made of pure gold.

3. By just putting one foot in front of the other


When life gets tough, the tough get lifing. Five toes in front of another five toes is just the way forward when you think about it.

4. A combination of fluke genetics and hard work


He’s tall, he’s Jamaican, he works hard sometimes. Get over it mate.

5. He sold his soul to a corporate world


What a terrible human being! But they do say money makes the world go round.


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