Rio de Janeiro. Not only is this the name of critically acclaimed old man, Robert De Niro’s illegitimate love child as well as being how you would ask Mr Ferdinand if he ‘neiroed‘ recently, it’s the capital of Brazil, this year’s host of the Olympic Games. Now the thing that makes this Olympic Games so unique, is the fact that there have been many new events added to the list. Unfortunately, most of them are unbelievably contentious, due to either their pure disregard for health and safety, or their downright ridiculous nature.
1. 100 Metre Queuing
Who’s idea was this? How do you win? I can’t imagine a more dull event, but at least us Brits will have a chance at something.
2. Genital Trampoline
So this is basically like the normal trampoline event, but with 10 or so dildos put on the trampoline to bounce around with you. Oh and you have to wear crotch-less trousers. Imagine. That sure does paint an image doesn’t it?
3. Post-Event Interviewing
Bit of an odd one this. I guess it’s good that they’re getting the reporters involved by giving them a go at winning medals and becoming national heroes for the best part of a week or so, but they’re under enough pressure as it is having to skillfully ask exhausted, despondent athletes, ‘How did you feel when you won?’.
4. Smashed Archery
This sounds like a recipe for alcohol induced disaster, not too dissimilar to my conception. Not only will the participants likely lose a nose or a finger here and there, the audience should expect the same. A Brazilian holiday to remember eh?
5. Being Thrown By A Discus
Someone needs to tell them that disci are not capable of throwing anything, let alone a massive grunting beefy human. I suppose they’re going to have to find out the hard way, unless we’re about to be schooled big time by Brazilian physics.
6. Poland Invading
I don’t know what to say. What the fuck were they thinking? Maybe it’s some kind of sick, insensitive throwback? I mean, how the hell are they even going to judge this? Brazil isn’t anywhere near Poland and they barely had any involvement in WWII, it just makes no sense whatsoever.
7. 10,000,000 Metre Freestyle
I always thought Rio would be a bit of an ‘interesting’ Olympics, but this takes the biscuit. I don’t quite understand how the Olympic big-wigs at Rio expect any human being to be able to swim 10 thousand kilometers in one go. Have they even got a pool, let alone one stretching the distance from England to Peru? At least the competitors can swim any style they want…
8. Traffic Diving
Not only are the divers expected to jump off a roof, spinning and somersaulting onto cold, unforgiving concrete, they have to do it onto a busy road, ending their lives and scarring innocent commuters for the rest of their sorry, routine-driven existences. Say your prayers Tom Daly, you’ll soon be sleeping with the pedestrians.
9. Watching Other Events
Time to watch and evaluate others watching other events. As of yet I’m not entirely sure how this works and how the participants have to train for this, but oh well. Also, what could the criterion for winning possibly be? I guess on the plus side, now you can watch the events you want to watch by watching this event, in turn killing 2 clay pigeons with one clunky rifle?
10. Self Birthing
First to successfully give birth to themselves wins gold. It’s simple, the rules are clear, it’ll make excellent television. I’m really looking forward to this one.
This Olympics will certainly be one to remember. Thanks Rio.