Sliced bread was literally never the best thing, say scientists

The other day I overheard something on the train, something so incredibly stupid, that I forgot to put the bookmark in my book before I stopped reading! What did I hear you say? Well I shall tell you. Some imbecile muttered to their equally idiotic friend that ‘the Olympics are the best thing since sliced bread’. What? No! No no no! Firstly, Olympics are probably older than sliced bread, and secondly sliced bread really isn’t that good! People need some old fashioned schooling on this subject it seems, so I’m here to tell you several things that are better than sliced f***ing bread:

1. Sandwiches


Get this okay. No-one just eats sliced bread, unless they’re eating toast, in which case the saying should be ‘best thing since toast’. On the other hand, people might combine their sliced bread with a variety of wholesome fillings, which is a delightful idea, but in that case the saying should be ‘best thing since sandwiches’.

2. Your mum


I’m not even joking. Your mum loves you like no other, she’s an absolutely incredible lady and you should give her more credit. Cheers to the best thing since your mum.

3. Electricity


Electricity is astounding. Do you fully understand it? Probably not. Do everyone a favour and stop thinking you’re such a clever arse.

4. This article


Yeah, ha.

5. Life itself


If ever you are stressed out by the complexities of your miserable life, take a breather and contemplate the unlikelihood and incredible thing that is life itself. Incomprehensible, immense and generally quite stunning. Despite its flaws, life has the ability to drag you down to earth when you really need it.

Now. If you ever hear someone say ‘best thing since sliced bread’, you send them my way or the highway Sonny Jim.




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