It’s the middle of exam time. The last exam you did you just sat there trying to remember the quadratic formula, despite it being on Chinese politics. It’s time for a helping hand from your best friend The Tap. If however, you don’t have any exams or have already finished them, why are you here then aha lmao.
1. Read the question
If you don’t do this, how do you plan on answering it? Email me.
2. Read it again, but aloud
That way, the invigilator will know you’re the real deal and maybe slip you a fiver.
3. Nudge ‘Intellect Todd’ and ask him for his overkill revision notes
He will inevitably push his massive glasses up with his index finger, do a little sniff, almost like a twitch, caress his feeble, patchy stubble, and tell you to fuck off. Luckily for you, he’ll get chucked out of the hall for conversing, and then that’s one fewer person to worry about, because that’s how exams work.
4. Write an apology to the lecturer on the back of the paper
If it’s not going your way on the day, say nay to the cray bae that is your exam paper and get asking for forgiveness from your lecturer. It’ll be humiliating and degrading, but it may just salvage that creamy 2:2 you can’t wait to get your greasy-ass mits on.
5. Eat your trademark ‘shit tuna-mayo sarnie on Hovis: worst of both’ at the 1 hour mark
Writing all those words and sometimes numbers and vice versa can be thirsty work, but unfortunately your water had a label on it and was confiscated, so you have to turn to your trusty sammich. This should give you just enough energy to yell “Give me le answers!” to the French invigilator.
6. Yell “Give me le answers!” to the French invigilator
You’ll probably only have the energy to do this after a neat crusty sandbitch.
7. Manage your time efficiently
Know how many minutes you have per mark, and also know the answers.
8. Defecate that mind map you ate during revision
It won’t be pretty, but if you didn’t manage to absorb all the knowledge from the map during digestion, you get a second chance to either take a subtle peak, or try eating it again.
9. Write every other word of that essay you did on a similar topic
That way, you can’t be done for plagiarism, and you can easily squeeze out an extra 1500 odd words vaguely related to the question.
10. Get a good sleep
Rarely are you given a good few hours when you’ve got nothing else to do and can just nap it out in a plastic chair, a desk that’s too high and complete silence. That way, you can replenish your energy, ready for the next exam.
Stay tuned for ’10 Helpful Revision Techniques for your January Exams’.